A Good Death Makes All the Difference

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Cynthia Robbins On April 3^rd, my mom passed away. She had dementia so I had been traveling the journey of the gradual goodbye for many years. Mom really had not been a mom to me for quite some time. And yet, when the last two weeks of her life came, I was paralyzed by grief. Her kidneys and heart were shutting down and there was no turning back. This was it.

The hardest part of all was that I could not be with her. Mom was in Missouri and I knew I could only make one trip to mark the ending of her life and the best time to go was when bereavement time was available.
 

Family and hospice support

Fortunately, I have six siblings. One brother and sister live in the same town Mom did so they provided support during her entire, gradual decline. When it was clear we were near the end, several of my other siblings did make it to Missouri and showered Mom with constant loving attention for two full weeks. Mom was blessed to be placed in a beautiful facility for these precious days and have a hospice team that kept her comfortable and offered support and expertise.
  Those last two weeks were a roller coaster of surge and decline as Mom was so bolstered by having her kids present. My siblings thoughtfully kept those of us who were distant “in the loop” with lots of photos and opportunities to call Mom. Her dementia worked in our favor because she believed we were all with her the whole time.

When it came time for Mom’s last breath, she was in the company of my sister, Barb, and my brother, Earle, who provided such affection and presence to her. They reached out to all of us so we could phone Mom one more time to express our love and gratitude and say goodbye. She died right after the last one of us talked with her.

After Mom died, we all gathered in Missouri to celebrate her life, tell stories, cry and laugh together. We did the work of grieving and pulled together a wonderful memorial service for her. It was a beautiful and meaningful time that I will cherish forever.
 

An appreciation for hospice work we do

Getting back to work was not easy. I was not sure I could be with dying people and their families so soon after Mom died. But I was surprised with the deep feeling of comfort and peace that came over me when I got home. She had a good death and that made all the difference. She suffered little and was loved completely as we sent her on her way to the ever after. I come away from this experience of my mother’s passing with a much deeper appreciation for the great work we do in hospice care. Enabling a good death is a precious gift we give not only to the patient but to those loved ones left behind. I am so very grateful my Mom had a beautiful and loving death experience even though I could not be with her. I only hope my work in hospice care and as a team member can provide this kind of profound legacy of peace to the families we have the privilege to serve.

Thinking about hospice for someone you love? Learn how Care Dimensions can help.

Cynthia Robbins is a Care Dimensions chaplain based in Wellesley.