Grieving Together Helps Us Heal

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Nathaniel Lamkin, LICSW, ACHP-SW “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It is difficult to make a statement that fully captures the range of emotions we all felt in the wake of the savage mass shooting at The Pulse nightclub in Orlando on June 12. That the attack occurred in a place of affirmation and joy for the LGBTQ community during Pride Month made it that much harder to articulate our revulsion and sorrow. In the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in our country’s history, it would have been easy, even natural, to feel rage against the ideology of the perpetrator; to fearfully curtail public gatherings; to despair at the sheer inhumanity that some of our fellow humans are capable of; to ratchet up the vitriolic rhetoric of bigotry and xenophobia; and, perhaps worst of all, to impotently resign ourselves to the fact that mass shootings are a part of everyday life in modern society.
 

Grief is a Journey

The challenge in the aftermath of mass casualty events like this is for all of us to grieve together in a spirit of love, unity, and hope. Just as we were are all vicariously traumatized by incidents like this so, too, do we have the capacity to heal, grow, and learn. Grief is in many respects a journey of meaning-making, regardless of the nature of the loss. When deaths occur as part of something as incomprehensible as a mass shooting – or, for that matter, an earthquake, flood, or other natural disaster – the need to make meaning out of the seemingly meaningless takes on an even greater sense of urgency. This is, in part, what drives people to stand in line for hours to give blood or to donate large sums of money in a matter of days.

This all serves to underscore the importance of ritual, broadly defined, in bereavement. Such rituals can be formal services in a house of worship, candlelight vigils at the scene of a tragedy, or simple moments of reflection in the company of friends and loved ones. Grief is in many ways a social transaction in which those who are grieving receive validation and comfort from one another. The many ways in which we come together following sudden, tragic loss are essential to the healing process.

So I challenge all of us to grieve together in a unified spirit. Be gentle with yourselves and each other. Attend vigils in your local community, move full speed ahead with Pride events, call or write your Congressional representatives, spontaneously call a friend and say you love her, give an extra hug to your kids . . . do whatever feels authentic to you to find some comfort and hope.

Learn about our comprehensive grief support services, which include individual consultations, workshops, support groups, community education programs, and additional bereavement resources: https://www.caredimensions.org/grief-support/

Nate Lamkin is Director of Bereavement Services and Program Development at Care Dimensions.