Write a letter to personify your grief.

Ways to Cope While Grieving Mom or Dad

Grief has no timetable. Despite our best planning or support from others, some of us will experience the memory of mom or dad in a “grief ambush” that comes out of nowhere, which can feel physical and overwhelming. Allow those moments and feelings to happen and know they occur because we love and are loved.

Everyone walks with grief now and everybody has different reactions to their grief. Particularly as Mother’s and Father’s days approach, I suggest you spend time in an endeavor or exercise to relieve your anxious energy about the loss of your parent. Every holiday brings up a lot of emotions. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and plan something for that day.

Write a Letter
Write a letter to grief to personify your grief. In the Women Grieving for Their Mothers support group I lead, I assign this as homework for them to work on in their own time. You can do this at home, too. This exercise will help you identify and name your feelings.

Also try writing a letter to your mother or father and write back to yourself as your parent. This starts an important dialogue for you. Write the letter on your own and read it aloud to yourself or to your family or a friend. When you pick what you want to write and read it to other people, you receive important and supporting feedback from them, which is useful to your healing.

It’s normal to cry as you write or read aloud. Tears are healing and normal. When you cry as you are reading a letter to your family or close friend, you will be comforted by them, which is consoling. Yes, even on Zoom!

Include your children
When you lose a parent, you are losing a future with that person. The loss of what you didn’t have with your mother or father can become another issue. Young moms and dads realize their children also are losing their relationships to their grandparents and, conversely, their moms or dads didn’t get to know their children. Write a letter to your children to tell them and, as your read it aloud, introduce your child to their grandmother and grandfather through pictures. Write a poem together.

We don’t forget our parents – that’s the major part of our grief. Think: We don’t forget them, we honor them.

Take care of yourself
Try a different type of exercise every week. In contemplation, look at past ways you have dealt with trauma or loss and repeat what has been useful: art, writing, Zooming with friends. Taking part in activities will relieve the stress of taking care of yourself.

Make a checklist of your activities and accomplish one or two every day. If you miss a day, put it on the list to do next day. When you repeat or start a new tradition you are supporting your healing process.

Over time, the roller coaster eases out and more good memories come in. When you experience episodes of ambush, don’t run away from them. They’re normal. Tears honor relationships and our love for mom and dad. Keep the memories. Your goal is to not forget.

Geraldine Davis, LMHC, is a trauma and loss specialist who has practiced for 20 years at Care Dimensions, leading several bereavement groups, including Women Grieving Their Mothers, Prolonged Grief, Loss of Spouse and Pet Bereavement.