How can we help?
You’ve likely heard it said many times in the past month, by many people, in the media and in your own life: We are all in this together. We are all in the same boat. And that is true, and that fact is comforting. To an extent.
At the societal level, we are experiencing great anxiety for all that has suddenly become uncertain and unknown, such as:
We also are experiencing a collective grief for what we have already lost, such as our freedom to go where we want, when we want, without masks or gloves, hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes. People grieve when facing the loss of someone or something they are attached to; human beings are hard-wired to form attachments and life is full of losses.
To continue with the shared boat analogy, some of us are fortunate enough to be sheltered in the boat’s warm and dry interior, while some of us who have just had a loved one die are out on the boat’s deck, in the strong wind and heavy rain.
The grief we experience when someone we love dies is big and intense. Grief is often described as a wave that can arise suddenly and overtake us. To quote author Vicki Harrison: “Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
But the new realities we are all living in right now can intensify and complicate the normal grief experience. How would you feel if you:
Big feelings of guilt, regret, sorrow, and a sense of confusion due to unfinished business can weigh extra heavy.
Meanwhile, many of our clients are describing a “Grief on Pause,” including a heightened sense of unreality. Sometimes it is difficult to allow ourselves to fully grieve our loved one who died because we know that so many people are grieving, and because of this strange space we are all inhabiting now. We may ask ourselves, “Do I have the right to grieve? The world has turned upside down and everyone is already upset; perhaps my loss isn’t so bad.” Also, with everyone around us already attending to their own anxiety and grief about COVID-19, they may not be as available to attend to our pain.
Despite the societal level of the crisis, we must name our grief and take it seriously if we are to maintain our emotional and psychological well-being.
Here are a few tips on how to honor and validate your grief right now – both the societal level grief and the personal and intimate grief we feel for our loved one who has died:
Visit the Grief page of the Care Dimensions website to find links to articles and resources that will help you to understand your grief, its ebbs and flows and the many ways it may reveal itself; knowledge can most certainly empower.
And remember, physical distancing is now a necessity, but you can stay in touch by telephone, email, text, Facebook, Zoom, or even the good old handwritten card or letter.
The Care Dimensions Bereavement Team wants you to know that, though it may certainly feel otherwise at any given moment, you are not alone. We are moving our grief support groups on-line and invite you to join us.
Download the Care Dimensions bereavement calendar of support group offerings.
About the author
April Evans, LICSW, is Bereavement Services Manager for Care Dimensions. She offers a monthly group for caregivers of people with life-limiting illness.
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Since 1978, Care Dimensions, formerly Hospice of the North Shore, has provided comprehensive and compassionate care for individuals and families dealing with life-threatening illnesses. As the non-profit leader in advanced illness care, we offer services in over 100 communities in Massachusetts.
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